Afternoon forecast: Parachuting squirrels with fluorescent tweed.

I’m not sure where to begin because I’m not entirely sure that anything happened. I had a nearly impossible time paying attention to this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, and I’m not even on my post-surgery Vicodin anymore (well, every now and then, but that’s just between us).

Well, Tamra licked Simon’s face. That happened. God help us all.

Lynn continued to get kicked out of her house, Gretchen pretended to be a business woman, Alexis escorted her mom into her first plastic surgery procedure, Vicki was a hypocrite and Tamra drank a lot. It was par for the nauseating course in the OC last night, and I just don’t think it’s enough to keep me coming back for much longer.

As has become customary, Vicki’s involvement in the show was brief and toward the beginning. After last week’s San Fran Smackdown, she sought the alcohol-lubricated support of old friend and ex-housewife Jeanna, which was mostly hilarious since Vicki kicked her to the curb a few weeks back because she was poor and then had everyone else over to teepee her yard. But since all of our housewives are only slightly more self aware than your average Golden Retriever (and they also have the same hair color), it didn’t occur to Vicki that seeking out Jeanna as someone that wouldn’t be a “fair-weather friend” was more than a little ironic. These people do not understand irony.

Her daughter doesn’t have cancer, though, so good for her. And for Brianna. As Ramona from the New York housewives would say, kuh-dooz. They all had shots of Patron to commemorate the results, and to tell you the truth, I think that’s a pretty decent way to celebrate it.

Next in Real Housewives stereotypes, we have Alexis. Her mom was in town from Colorado or Missouri or wherever to have her forehead lifted and filled with industrial sealant, and I’d take this opportunity to make fun of her except that she was nice to the waiter at dinner, so I won’t say anything too terrible. I will say, however, that Alexis apparently looks like her dad, and that based on the pictures of her as a teenager in whatever flyover state that she came from, she has had substantially less work done on her face than I would have guessed. Color me surprised.

Even though I find Alexis terrible an objectionable in almost every way (talking to herself about her last, tiny bite of bread? What?), I did have one small moment where I completely and totally identified with her – apparently she didn’t want to walk to school as a child because it would make her hair smell like air. I HATED the way walking around campus would make my hair smell in college – like nature and dirt and the outdoors. I don’t like the outdoors. I like air conditioning and driving to places in my car. So, homegirl, I feel you on that one.

On to Lynn, who is still being evicted, still contemplating divorce, and whose daughters are still nearly too stupid to breath. Really no updates there, so…moving on.

Gretchen tried to launch her beauty line at some sort of women’s convention with lots of pink carpet and very few visitors, and I actually felt kind of bad. Objectively, a makeup line is a terrible idea since she’s not particularly famous and she always looks like she put on her face with a trowel and spackle gun, but Gretchen seems kind of sweet in a dumb way, and her booth actually looked great, and I felt bad. It was awkward, but also kind of predictable, but I have a hard time being joyful about poor, dim Gretchen’s completely foreseeable failure. I’m kind of a mensch that way.

And then Tamra. Ineffectual, frustrated Tamra. It was her birthday, she’s 42, and I actually would have pegged her more for 38 or 39, so I guess that’s nice for her. What’s not so nice for her is that her supposed good friend Vicki didn’t show up for her boozy birthday lunch, which looked like a lot of fun, but how did all of those drunk middle-aged people get home? Are there taxis in Orange County?

Anyway, I digress. Tamra and Vicki had previously gone on a little hike to talk about the Bayside Brawl, and things didn’t go so well, mostly because Tamra wouldn’t just shut up and go along with everything Vicki said, and Vicki gets all panicky and huffy when people disagree with her. As dicussed previously, Vicki may not understand irony but she does understand spite, so instead of taking an hour off to go to her friend’s birthday lunch, she used work as an excuse to skip it and sent her assistant with a gift that appeared to be still in the original shopping bag, plus some tissue paper. In the annals of passive-aggressiveness, Vicki is bucking for a spot on the Hall of Fame.

Not even the copious amounts of booze at her drunken lunch could distract Tamra from her relationships problem, and she spent dinner with him, alternately fawning, arguing, and encouraging him to get drunk. It seemed like every time they sort of had a sweet moment, Simon just had to have SOMETHING to say about what a saint he is for putting up with her, and even if she is sort of vile, he doesn’t get any extra credit since, you know, he was the one that picked her. If he didn’t want her, he shouldn’t have picked her. There are probably scads of dumb women out there who could have been convinced to marry him. That kind of says a lot about America, doesn’t it?

They eventually got on a gondola, even though I have no idea where one finds a gondola outside of Venice. The only thing that could have saved this episode would have been an impromptu capsize, but the boat stayed afloat and I stayed bored. Not even Tamra repeatedly licking Simon’s face brought me as much schadenfreude as it once would have.

Next week is the season finale, and it makes me wonder how the very first housewives will come back next season, or if they will at all. The bloom is off the rose a bit on this one, and without a brand new crew of crazy Californians, I’m not exactly sure where things go from here. Now that we have housewives that are far more ridiculous in other cities, I need more than Botox and an eviction to make me want to set the DVR.

Speaking of the other Housewives, we also have the NYC premiere next Thursday. Anyone excited? I’ll be recapping it, naturally.

Adding a burst of color, the Bottega Veneta Lizard Knot Clutch is the perfect companion. Buy through Net A Porter for $1,980.

If you love the Valentino aesthetic but can’t justify shelling out two grand (or far more) for one of their plush, ladylike bags full of bows, ruffles and flowers, I may have a viable alternative for you.

The Villador Carpetto Bow Bag has a couple of Valentino’s most obvious signatures – drool-worthy leather and an oversized bow placed proudly for all to see – without being a ripoff. It’ll also run you about half of what Valentino’s most basic bags usually cost, and who can’t get behind that?

I don’t love the seaming around the edges of the leather “ribbon” (I think it looks a bit cheap, in fact), but I’m willing to overlook it because the leather itself, which is goatskin, looks so soft and touchable.

Other than the bow and the texture, the structure and color remind me a lot of another designer – Chloe. It has a boho feel and attitude to it, and the slouchy look is perfect to wear with boyfriend jeans or a flowing sundress. Buy through Luisa Via Roma for $1054.

You know, when it comes to handbags and the reviews we do here on PurseBlog, we can be all over the place. Sometimes we (me, Megs, Amanda and Anna) can be in complete agreement and other times we don’t see eye to eye at all. This all makes sense, of course, because, well, we all have different likes and dislikes. (I know, I am stating the obvious here, just bare with me.)

However, I feel as though we tend to be most polar on our view points with some of the big time designers, like Valentino. But, when it comes to Valentino, Amanda said it best in her review of the Valentino Laceland Tote when she said is not completely comfortable claiming she loves or hates a given Valentino creation. I feel the same exact way.

So, as I sit here contemplating how I feel about the Valentino Rouches Napa Hobo, I also wonder not only what my fellow PurseBlog writers think but also what you all think about this bag. There is a large part of me that really wants to like the bag, but there is a nagging part of me that thinks it is nothing more than heinous. So, let’s break it down.

No matter what the state of the economy is, there is something to be said for possessing one of the big name brand bags – which Valentino is a part of. The leather itself is downright gorgeous. It is supple, beautiful and flawless. As a hobo, the dimensions are pretty much spot on: 13 1/2″H x 15″W x 8 1/2″D with a 5″ shoulder drop. I wish the drop was a bit larger, but I won’t make that a point of extreme discussion. I love satin lining, so the fact that this bag is lined with black satin, I obviously like it a bit more. Yet again, is that enough to make or break a decision – no.

The ruffles. The ruffles have me on the fence. When I think about really tapping into my feminine side, I like the ruffles. When I think about how borderline gaudy the bag looks, I hate the ruffles. But that is the thing. The ruffles are *supposed* to help the bag stand out; they are supposed to make the bag unique and one-of-a-kind.

Finally, the price. Yes, this is Valentino and yes the prices tend to be a bit inflated compared to the rest of the handbag market. However, would you throw down almost $2600 for this ruffled, leather, hobo? The price is what is making me quiver. If the bag was cheaper, I would go out on a ledge and buy it. I need a statement piece and frankly, this bag is exactly that – a statement. But with everything being said, does this bag make so much of a statement that you would be willing to throw down big time bucks? If so, buy through Bergdorf Goodman for $2595.

We keep talking about spring trends in handbags, clearly there are many. We have brought you stories on denim and perforated leather, and today I will tell you about another trend; floral patterns. Typically we would cover this Coach bag on PurseBlog Savvy, but I actually wanted to feature this on PurseBlog.

Coach bags receive quite a bit of flack from many handbag enthusiasts. And while this may be the case, Coach continues to be the brand that starts many people’s handbag obsession on their way into other brands while remaining the go-to brand for many as well. In fact, my first bag was a Coach bag.

In the past few years I have loved the direction Coach has taken. The collection is so diverse, it is easy to find a bag that suits different tastes and wants. Here we are with the Coach Madison Floral Audrey and I am in love. I am not typically drawn to floral print bags, but with spring around the corner as I see more floral prints I also realize how much I would love one.

The combination is romantic, with the feminine colorful floral printed canvas being accented with gold metallic leather trim. I just bought a new floral printed pillow cover for our couch from Williams Sonoma that reminds me of this bag. I keep staring at the pillow and realizing that I can no longer fight my old aversion to floral prints, I now embrace it.

Another reason I love the idea of this bag is because it is a trendier style that you may not wear year round, so it is perfect not to spend thousands on a trend. Dimensions are 11.5 L x 8.25 H x 6.5 W. Also, there is both top handles and a detachable shoulder strap. Buy through Coach for $358 (they have the purple version).

Will you or won’t you sport a floral printed bag?

There was absolutely no part of me that looked at this clutch and thought Gucci. If you hadn’t seen the name of the bag, would Gucci be one of the first designers to pop into your mind?

I was overwhelmed with a sleek design, clean lines and complete structure with the Gucci Sigrid Oversize Clutch. I am not saying overwhelmed in a bad way, but perhaps more like taken by surprise.

In fact, as I analyzed this clutch, I went back through many of the Gucci bags that we’ve covered recently. It’s been months, and I mean months since we’ve covered a Gucci bag that is even the least bit structured. Ironically enough, the last structured bag was a clutch, the Gucci Crystal Evening Clutch.

Yet this one, this one is even sleeker. This evening bag comes in glossy white or black patent leather. I love the asymmetric flap closure with metal and enamel detailing. The asymmetry of the flap gives just a hint of a geometric feel without being too avant garde. This oversized clutch (15¼”W X 6¼”H X 1″D) would compliment so many outfits that I don’t even know where to start. And as you know, I love well known designer bags that aren’t splashed with their logos all over them. So, this clutch just keeps getting better and better. Buy through Saks for $595.

I’M BA-ACK! I’m minus two tonsils, five post-surgery pounds, and a week of my life, but I have returned triumphant to do one of my absolute favorite things: make fun of a truly horrific Versace bag.

It’s almost as though the universe placed the galacticly awful Versace Scream Shopper on Nordstrom’s website to welcome me back to the land of the living – It’s been quite a while since Donatella & Co. have provided us with a bag so thoroughly worthy of ridicule. When pitched such a softball, I can only hope to hit it out of the park. Won’t you join me?

Can someone call Donatella and tell her that putting out crap like this is why her company is failing? Does she not realize that? How could it not be obvious? Am I taking crazy pills?

That a company could put out a bag made of mismatched patterned leather, acid yellow trim and baseball stitching and expect people to spend well north of three grand on it absolutely boggles the mind. The people that made this bag live on a different planet from the rest of us, and it’s not a place that I hope to visit. Ever. It probably smells like Axe body spray mixed with fake tan. I’d say that this bag looked like a Junior’s Department nightmare, but really, it might be uglier than that.

On the other hand…has ever a bag been so aptly named? Buy through Nordstrom for $3395.

Long Live McQueen, 1969-2010.

My oh my, it has been a few months now since we’ve covered a Chloé bag. My infatuation with Chloé bags started when Megs purchased her gorgeous Chloé Paddington a few years back. When she came home with it, I absolutely loved it and was hoping that one day I too would have a Paddington of my own. As I started to take note of the brand a bit more, I decided I didn’t have to set my sights on a Paddington because there were several others out there I could love just as much. However, all this got shoved to the back on my mind as I my love for Marc Jacobs, Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin continued to grow.

But today, I found myself getting back to the basics. Well, at least back to Chloé basics.

Ok, first things first. I don’t think the Chloé Ethel Large Leather Hobo is going to have the same kind of influence that the Paddington did/does. But, this bag has reminded me of how good Chloé bags can be when it comes to a simple design executed wonderfully. The glazed leather is soft, shiny and supple. The goldtone hardware helps bring out the color of the leather without overpowering it. (However, I do have to say I wish the zipper pulls were a little different, they seem a little odd on this bag.) The structured shoulder strap is a nice addition to the overall slouchy look of this hobo. This is a great bag to tote around all day as well as one which could compliment many night worthy outfits. Buy through Saks for $1395.